The Bible says that Bartimaeus was doing the regular daily “exercise” – sitting at the city gates and relying on the pilgrims’ mercy for his dinner. There must have been a decent amount of dust on his clothes… over his body… And the heat certainly couldn’t have made his situation any better. But what else could he do? He’s an outcast after all – a cast out one.

But Bartimaeus isn’t just any outcast. Not just any blind guy. He isn’t just any beggar either. Bartimaeus is a believer, but not just any – a true one he is. The Bible says he heard Jesus approaching and began to shout – perhaps a usual picture given the popularity of the Lord. He was an emerging star for many of his time. The picture becomes unusual when a minute goes by and blind Bartimaeus is still shouting. “Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me!” Some from the crowd tried to shut him, but apparently whatever he had lost with his sight had now turned into a voice amplifier.

“Jesus stopped and said, Call him.” I have to pause here and wonder if he really didn’t hear him the first time. Never mind, perhaps the crowd around him was far too big. So, they called Batrimaeus – “Cheer up!” they told him, it’s your day today. And oh, boy, did he run! In fact, he was so determined that his sole possession didn’t concern him. His roof and blanket, his mat and jacket – his cloak… thrown away for the by-standers to have, should they wish. For he knew there was something of much greater value waiting for him.

Being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. - Hebrews 11:1, NIV

“What do you want me to do for you?”, Jesus asked him. Man! What kind of a question is that – from the One who ought to know everything? That didn’t seem to bother Bartimaeus though, not even a bit. “Rabbi, I want to see.” Period.

Have you realized that nowhere in the stories of Jesus’ miracles do we read “Lord, you know, perhaps, if it’s possible and won’t be too much to ask – could you heal me… But, really, just the basics – I’ll take care of the rest with some herbs.” The people in need which Jesus came across seemed to know what they want. Recall the woman with the bleeding – she was telling herself, only if I touch his cloak I’ll be healed. And, and that Roman centurion – he said, listen, Jesus – I, like you, am also a man of authority. I say “do this” and it gets done. Don’t even bother coming over, just say it and my servant will be well again.

Have you ever wondered what you would answer to Jesus if he was to ask you that very same “What do you want me to do for you?” I’d understand if you say “no” – I hadn’t thought of it myself either. After all, how often do we get asked such a question these days. But now that you know the question – what would your answer be? Would your answer reflect where your hope really lays… or would it reflect where your hope should really lay? Or would it reflect something completely different?

See, Bartimaeus knew what he hoped for. He also knew that Jesus could give it to him, although he had probably only heard about him… rumors and stuff. Remember, he was blind – couldn’t have seen it done before, that’s for sure. Yet all this, combined with an immeasurable certainty and conviction gave him the power to shout all the more when people told him to shut up. Getting to Jesus just became a whole lot easier – no possession held any importance at all… If he had anything else which could potentially make him run slower, he would have abandoned that as well, giving it no second thought. That’s faith – a blind man’s certainty that he will see again.

The more I read his story, the more I wish I would be as blind as Bartimaeus, so that I may have the hope that one day I will see; the power to not stop shouting even when everyone tries to shut me up; and the certainty that knows no obstructions.

The preacher finished his sermon and before closing the service asked the people before him “Do you want to be with Jesus right now? – Raise your hand if you are.” The multitude raise their hands, except for one man at the back row. The preacher was slightly concerned, so he decided he’d repeat the question. The result was the same. Odd, he thought, maybe the man didn’t hear the question. So he asked a third time, even louder – Do you want to be with Jesus right now? That didn’t do it either.

So after the service was finished he struggled through the crowd to find the man who didn’t raise his hand and ask him what was stopping him from wanting to be with Jesus. When he finally asked, the reply was “Oh, I do want to be with Jesus! But I don’t want to go there right now, I quite like it out here.”

It’s an example I recently heard in a sermon and it bewildered me. So I took a note of it in my mind and gave it some further thought in the days after that. Today, as I think about it again it scares me – because it’s so true.

We have made our world far too comfortable. Well, the areas I’ve lived in, at least. We’ve managed to surround ourselves with far too much stuff that doesn’t challenge us. And yes, unfortunately, as the man from the back row – we quite like it out here. Even with the financial issues much spoken of lately; even with the gloomy weather which we’re only making worse; even with the government officials we don’t quite approve of. One would think that not having to work, not having to pay taxes, not having to deal with expensive heating, not having to worry about food… that all of these will somehow make us eager to move on. Indeed, one would think.

But no. Christians in the (non-Wild) North seem to be indifferent to the image of a heaven waiting arrivals. In fact, the very thought of death freaks us out… When it shouldn’t! That’s because we think of death as it has been portrayed to us by the world we live in. Not as a beginning, but as an end: the end of being with our friends and family; the end of being a football fan; the end of using the Internet; the end of enjoying hot summer days in the freshness of the mountains. The end of the things which contribute to us feeling comfortable and nice, cozy and easy.

Where is apostle Paul to come and kick some butt?! Cause he got it right. He desired to depart and be with Christ, which is, as he says – better by far (see Philippians 1:23). Yes, he did end up hanging in there for a little more as it was God’s will. But we seem to be telling God “Don’t you dare touching my life cause I ain’t done living it just yet!” Way far are we from being “torn” as Paul was.

When I realized the truth about God’s love and decided to surrender my life in His hands, I wasn’t afraid to die. As a matter of fact, I was anticipating the day I’d go and be with Him, because I knew there was so much more to have, to experience, to be up there – where the days are brighter and the nights (if there’s such) – filled with the magnificence of God’s creativity. I was looking forward to being in a place where our breakfast will be peace, our lunch will be joy, and every day for dinner we’ll get God’s delicacy of love. A place where the radio doesn’t get boring with the same songs playing over and over and you don’t have to pay 99cents to iTunes to download something different. A place where having a walk at night doesn’t insist you carrying a gun in your pocket. I so wanted to be in that place where seeing God doesn’t require creatively molded word metaphors, cause He’s just right there – in front of me.

Then, as the years passed by and everyone else was giving me A’s and B’s for knowing God better and better I was waking up in the morning with a strange new and somewhat bothersome feeling – the one of being afraid to die. I’ve gone over this so many times in my mind, analyzed it from so many different angles, that I know today – it’s the feeling of quite liking it out here. That’s how, in the midst of everything else I lost my anticipation to be with Jesus. So without even noticing it, I became the man from the back row, who might raise his hand, but just out of politeness to the preacher.

How do I get my anticipation back? How do I become a fearless believer again? Why does it feel like I’m the only one in the non-Wild North?

Perhaps it’s also the memories I have from my childhood, when in the early 90s people were empowered by hope of free life. Right, things didn’t work out quite the same all throughout the ex-communist bloc, but even that didn’t stop the majority of hoping for a change up till about year 2000/02 (in Bulgaria at least). It was around that time that hope found itself in stagnation in Bulgaria. Enough governments had changed for people to realize that they ain’t finding anything good there. So, since then I have the feeling that politics in Bulgaria exists on air and air alone. But not just politics… people as well.

Now they say that the crisis has even reached down there. I cannot but remember the Pope’s words from about a month or so ago, when he stated that any economic crisis would be an example of how unimportant money is (click here for a video). It’s striking to see that ever since the Cold War left the newscasts and daily talks the Northern and Western part of the world has turned life into a pursuit of vanity. First it was big cars, big houses, more clothes, more choices… Then there came mobile phones, computers, MP3 players… plasma TVs, DVD recorders… And today, the same people who sold these to us five years ago are releasing commercials on how destructive they are to the environment and that we ought to buy the new, more efficient models.

What ought to gain even more of everyone’s concern, however, is that people are losing hope. Well, people have lost hope. Thus they don’t even want to fight ahead. Where is the attitude of The Wind of Change? Where is the looking forward to tomorrow? Moreover, where are the people who best know hope in the midst of all of this? What are you and I doing to replace discouragement with empowerment?

I find myself in a disappointing position… Just sitting and watching life pass by, not voicing out much of the hope I have. Sad.

This verse is a part of a passage from the Gospel according to John in which Jesus teaches a lesson on faith to one of his 12 chosen disciples. Although the described event took place newarly 2000 years ago, Jesus’ answer is just as relevant to us today as it was back then to Thomas. Let us question ourselves sincerely – do we walk by faith or by sight? Do we pray by faith or by sight?

The truth is, for many Christians the saying “Gotta see to believe” has become a way of life. Don’t also skip the fact that the society around us encourages us to not trust anything or anyone, before we can touch and see first… And that goes on daily basis. Thus, slowly but steadily many forget about the true meaning of the word faith. This becomes an even greater problem when it comes to prayer. There is a real danger that each of us can lose faith if it is not being nurtured by a continual fellowship with God through His Word. One day you or I can wake up with an unsolvable problem in our lives and offended or even angry turn to God with the words: “Show me and I’ll believe that you have not abandoned me!”

A significant part of the non-believers today use precisely this argument for their unbelief – God has not shown himself in this and that way and that’s why I don’t believe He exists. Sometimes God choses to show Himself in a supernatural way and the faith of those who believe then is counted – just as Jesus reaffirmed Thomas’ faith. But as He said in that same passage – blessed are those who first believe.
A brief look at God’s Word reveals that all who were healed by Jesus had faith before that healing took place. Nowhere is it to be found in the Bible something like: “You have been healed because you first waited to see me and only after that you believed in me.” We should, instead take a lesson from what we can read in Luke 7:1-10 as a part of the dialogue between a Roman centurion and Jesus: “Lord, don’t trouble yourself, for I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. That is why I did not even consider myself worthy to come to you. But say the word, and my servant will be healed. … When Jesus heard this, he was amazed at him, and turning to the crowd following him, he said, I tell you, I have not found such great faith even in Israel.” So, do you have the faith to say in your prayer “Lord, I know you hear me. If it is your will, do heal… do provide… do save…”?

Sometimes God does not answer our prayers. Other times His answers have nothing to do with how we thought He will answer… One thing is for sure though – if you and I approach prayer with faith and not with requirements or demands, then whether God answers or not we will be drawn closer to Him. And our faith will grow as well.
If, on the other hand, we pray wanting to see a miracle, so that we may believe, then there is a chance we will lose even the little bit of faith that drives us to pray.

Pay attention to how you pray! Move forward fearlessly and in confidence with faith in God through prayer. Only then nothing and no one will be able to stand on the way between you and God.

Update: Apparently God decided to surprise me yet again. The sermon was a refreshing lesson for me both while preparing the last bits and seeing the whole thing, and also while preaching it. The feedback from the congregation was very encouraging as well. I have never had such a powerful feedback on a sermon I’ve preached, so it was a very humbling experience on top of all else. I think they believed my message. I actually think I came to believe more than when I started preparing for the sermon and all the questions started popping up.

In the past few weeks I’ve been working on a sermon about God’s mission and our part in it. It’s been a really refreshing thing for me. Especially because in the last several years the direction of my faith has been downwards. More like rolling down a hill actually…

In the midst of all the excitement around that sermon the following thought came about “Will they believe my message if I don’t believe it myself?” It actually led me to reflecting on the way we, Christians, tend to “testify” to the world today… When Christ called us to go and teach the world about Him and make disciples he pointed out two most important details: 1) all authority is given to Him (and that’s all as in ALL), and 2) He is with us as we’re going after this mission.

I know that I myself have very often been the scared Christian, or the too-careful-one. I’ve often decided to keep quiet rather than speak out the truth. I’ve often decided to pray silently, rather than disturb the secular enjoyment of others around me and show what I actually care about. I suppose this won’t change over-night either, but at the moment I’m thinking too much about it and couldn’t keep from sharing it with you all.

So, I’m preparing this sermon which is supposed to challenge the lives of young and old people and help them embrace God’s mission to share the Gospel with non-believers, love Him, and love the other people around. And I keep coming to one key moment – in order for us to carry out the mission successfully we ought to be fearless, full of faith, and entirely determined.

That’s fine, probably I could even defend that theologically better than I think I could, but that seems to be the least proof an unbelieving world cares about. As cheesy and worn-out as it might sound, what the world cares about is whether I do what I’m telling them to do. Which is actually the outward expression of whether I believe my message. If I were to preach to myself I probably wouldn’t be quite convinced at the end of the sermon, because I know my failures, I know my mistakes, and I also remember the times when I could have said something but I didn’t.

Yes, yes, I know God probably doesn’t look at it quite that way, but all this leads to a sad reality – the one of losing the faith I once had. 5-6 years ago, I remember I would pray and I would literally see God’s face before me. Today I couldn’t describe it because I haven’t seen it for so long that I’ve forgotten most of it. But I do have the clear memory that it happened every time I would pray. Back then I also prayed with faith… and I mean the real thing. I remember praying for healing and the thoughts of it not happening, the doubts, and all that – wasn’t there. I also remember praying for things that seemed impossible, yet did happen. I also remember once praying for something, God gave it to me, and a week later I had to give it back… because it wasn’t something I should have. Yet, I prayed with as much faith, as I had when I left it.

Today the case seems to be so that I only have faith when I need to give things up. And that’s not so much faith as in Faith, but rather a hope of one who’s desperate and helpless. Where did the faith go? I have no idea. I know when it started slipping away, but I’m still in the unknown when it comes to its destination. What I know is that I rather not pray for certain things verbally or in my mind, because it would come out as the babbling Jesus talked about. My only hope is that will look deep inside me and somewhere there find a sparkle that will get Him excited again.

So, I’m preparing this sermon which is supposed to challenge the lives of young and old people and I’m wondering Will they believe the message of one with so little faith? I can’t testify of a mission carried out fearlessly. I can’t find a recent example of a full-of-faith mission either. I think I’m still a bit determined, but far from entirely.

Sometimes, in trying to excuse ourselves we tend to call this “maturing faith.” The problem is, for 4 years already I haven’t been able to realize how losing faith can actually be maturing in faith. Perhaps it’s a much bigger problem.

Pray for me. I’m preaching on Sunday, June 8.

And thanks for reading it all… if you’ve gotten that far, that is.